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Wednesday, May 22, 2013

not much progress.

Well, here we sit in this blasted hotel room. And it's been no vacation. The past two days I've done a lot of crying as my plans and prayers felt like they crumbled in front of me. I even lost my right contact through all my tears yesterday. No joke. I seriously cried it out of my eye. Our paperwork did not go through the system as smoothly as we hoped. So it looks like we will be getting fingerprinted again, as the last time they were not processed correctly. That's the nutshell version. I'm learning that out of state adoptions are just a little more complicated and there is no way around it. The good news is that Abe and I are riding out this wait together. The hardest part was saying goodbye to my big boys tonight. My eyes tear up just typing that. Being their momma is hard work and exhausting. But when it comes down to it, it's my favorite job in the world. And I miss my boys when I can't be with them. But after 10 full days in a hotel, they needed out. They are spending the next 3 days and nights with our BFFs who begged to love us in the most amazing way, by caring for our boys for a few days. These friends are more like family and I'm so so grateful for their persistence to help and love in a very needed way. Jeremy and I have a really hard time asking for help. So our sweet friends gently pushed and called and texted and begged to help us in this way.The boys were thrilled to go and spend a few nights with Josh and Amanda and their little friends Camryn and Reid. But I cried and cried and cried about it...not really knowing when I'll see them next. And also letting go of that desire to keep my little family all together as we transitioned from 4 to 5. Life in a hotel was hard for us...but also financially we just couldn't keep doing it. So tomorrow Abe and I will head to a friend's house and continue our wait there. I have 2 wonderful friends in Oklahoma that are also loving us well by letting us crash at their homes for an uncertain amount of time. I'm hoping we don't wear out our welcome.

I've struggled today with remembering that God is in all things. And just remembering Him. Period. I've been very self focussed, for probably the last week. And today as Jeremy and I took call after call and our outcome continually got worse, it was easier to feel my own pity and wallow around in it, than to take it to God. My sweet friend that is caring for my boys this week has burned up my texts with scripture from the moment we learned about our son. That has been a huge encouragement and always a timely reminder. My sister, today, reminded me of the manna and to be present and have peace in today instead of worrying about tomorrow and wondering if I'll still be waiting here in 3 weeks. A good reminder. It's funny that two weeks ago I would have told you that trusting God comes easily for me. But I'm still not sure where this little struggle puts me with that thought. If I took the time to lay out all the details you would see how almost everything that could have gone wrong, pretty much did. When I prayed a very specific way, the door would close, making our goal even further away. At one point Jeremy and I both had to stop and laugh because it was becoming so ridiculous. I should clarify that I do trust God. I think I truly do. But this little journey has just made me ask the question why a whole lot.

So here we are waiting. Still waiting. Not together as our family of 5, as I intended. But Abe and I in Oklahoma waiting on some green lights. Jeremy at work while being pulled in 10 other directions. And Holden and Pax having a mini vacay just over an hour from home. Not what I planned as we drove north as a family two weeks ago today. But it's what we have to work with. This may all seem like petty complaints and whining. Especially when just an hour north of where I am tonight people are dealing with the remains of vicious tornados. They have more rights for the "why's" than I do, if I want to compare trials. In the back of my mind I know that. I'm just ready for home and my complete family and our normal life again.

Thank you for so many that have been praying for us through this. For your texts, emails and phone calls. Thank you for offering to help. Occupying our big boys during this chaotic time for us. Opening your home to us. Loaning Jeremy a car since his truck won't carry both Holden and Pax. Asking me for pictures of our sweet Abe. Aunt Amy has requested a picture every single day. :) Listening to me cry and vent over the phone. The sweet gifts you given to our baby boy. I know I may be forgetting things. But we've felt very loved and supported. So thank you.

1 comment:

The Nanny Family said...

Hugs sweet momma. A friend of mine is in labor today... she's been in labor for about 36 hours now. Reading your post I feel like it's an adoption mirror - labor pains. I hope you (and my friend) get to go home with your sweet babies soon. He really is adorable. I'm so glad you are surrounded by love and support. Praying for you all!