Holden @ age 8!

This boy has grown up this year! He has matured so much. He's still an 8 year old boy, which apparently means potty humor is hilarious. Ick!! But in so many areas this past year, I have watched my son grow and mature and understand so many more pieces about life and relationships and his Heavenly Father. In fact, on March 29, just over a month ago, he made the decision that he wants to truly follow Jesus with his life. It was an exciting day for this family! This is something we have prayed for Holden since the beginning. God has gently been pursuing his heart and I trust that he will continue as Holden grows to know him more and more.

 And speaking of growing up, he's just tall. He is long, lean and very long-legged. His height is in those legs. This past fall/winter he was wearing size 12 slim in pants as a 7 year old. And his summer shorts are also all size 12 slim. He is 56" tall. Which officially puts him off the charts in height. And he weighs 64lbs (81%). His height always brings up the subject of basketball. But so far soccer has been a sport where he really excels. Just today I was grinning while watching him play as I heard a lady behind me saying, "Wow! Number 12 has some speed. He is fast!" She didn't realize that I was the proud momma of that cute #12. I have a feeling I will be cheering this boy on in sports for many more years. I love being on the sidelines watching him shine and have so much fun. He is very competitive. He is very driven by competition. He can also be a sore loser, particularly if it's a one-on-one competition. But this season in soccer he has found the fun of a team. He is PASSING the ball now! Even when he has more confidence in his own abilities than in his teammates. He can be a bit of a control freak (Amen to any other first born control freaks out there?). So letting go of that soccer ball and passing it to a teammate that you can't completely trust to score is a big deal for him. And he's doing it. He's understanding the sport more and more this year and understanding the benefits of passing and playing together. Watching him play soccer is a big highlight of my week. #proudsoccermom He also enjoyed flag football in the fall. And this summer, we think he may be doing a track club. He loves to run and race other kids, so track should be right up his alley.

Holden has been a trooper in school this year. Last year he realized that he had 12 more years of this school junk and he tried to hold a revolt. It didn't go so well for him. This year, we tweaked our routine and it has gone really smoothly. Except his younger brother tried to hold his own revolt, but we can talk about that in August when it's his birthday. :) I'm convinced that it's a 1st grader thing. So Holden will be completing the second grade in less than 2 weeks. He has really enjoyed science this year. That was probably his favorite subject. Math has been a harder subject for him, but the problem might be the teacher. (All fingers pointing at me since we homeschool.) Reading and writing comes easily for him. We get our school work done in the morning. Then when we're done, we play. Holden often still takes a 2 hour nap in the afternoons. I know this is highly unusual for his age. We don't know exactly why, but the boy needs a nap. Without it he sometimes gets a migraine headache or will fall asleep somewhere at 5pm or 6pm. If we are busy he can often push himself and be okay. But if it's just a regular old weekday and we're home, he naps.

Riding his bike is his favorite activity. If the obsession continues, we may get out of buying him a car when he is 16. I think he will be perfectly happy to ride his little bike wherever he needs to go. :) The boy loves to be outside and to be active. Riding bikes, jumping on the trampoline, swimming, playing sports and just running around. He is an outdoorsy boy. Just being outside makes him so happy. In recent weeks we have been spending a whole lot of time outside.

Holden is still our social butterfly. Wednesdays have been a highlight for him this year. We have been attending a homeschool co-op on Wednesdays. Then he has church activities on Wednesday evenings. It is an entire day with lots of friends, just his cup of tea. He has also made a point to meet every child somewhat close to his age (or his height) on our street. I adore how easily he makes friends. He is a friendly little boy. He also plays most afternoons outside with our neighbors once they are home from school.

Holden and Pax are great buddies. I love watching them laugh, play and joke together. They are really close. They have plenty of moments where they don't get along. But, more often than not, they live in friend mode and it's special to see. Holden is also a big helper with Abe. Sometimes too big of a helper, like he needs someone to boss, and Abe is "it". This was a few weeks ago when the boys had just woken up. Abe woke not feeling well with asthma and he didn't want to be put down. Holden held him just like this while I was getting breakfast on the table for the boys. Goodness, they can be so sweet to one another. I try to hang on to these moments and memories and throw out the ones when they are fighting. :)

I think Holden will always be my sweet boy no matter how big grows. Though I will admit that he is still the biggest daddy's boy that you can imagine. He still wants to be just like him and you can see the intense admiration he has for this man. 

I will forever be thankful for the way God orchestrates our lives often against our own prayers and desires. He gave us the greatest gift and it has been an incredible 8 years.

 

Holden

During the last few days of April I can't help but reflect back to what it was like for me in 2008. I was heartbroken on this very night eight years ago. Heartbroken. In tears. And talking to God. I remember that night like it was yesterday. It was a heart wrenching night where I eventually went to bed with red puffy eyes and a stuffy nose. But now when I reflect on it, I can't help but smile at God's plan. How he held me during that time. But as a good father, I know he was eagerly waiting to place this gift into my hands. He knew what was taking place in the morning. I knew God had asked me to faithfully pray for an April baby, but there we were closing out the month with empty arms. A nursery ready for our little one, yet no news of when that might be. That more detailed story is here. So tomorrow we will be celebrating our 8 year old miracle. Holden has heard this story so many times, but I know he doesn't understand the weight of it and how much his story has impacted Jeremy and I. And honestly, I'm not sure that he will ever get it until he is a father himself. But what a privilege to be this boy's momma. On the good days and hard days and every day in between. Thank you Jesus for making him ours!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Merry Christmas!

What a celebration! He came to earth, in the most humble fashion, to walk among his creation and save his people. Sometimes it completely overwhelms me. I hope you can reflect today and be completely overwhelmed by your Father God's love for you!

 

13.

(an anniversary early morning selfie before he was off to work)

Thirteen years ago today I was a nervous and naive bride preparing to walk down the aisle and commit my whole heart and future to my boyfriend of 3 years. My love. I'm sure I imagined each day to be a fairy tale. At age 22 we had so many dreams and hopes in front of us. Those early days I never dreamed of the heartache and trials that God would use in our lives to draw us closer to Him and bond us more tightly together. Infertility. Selfishness. Loneliness. Just to name a few. Letting go of a fairy tale that we had written and clinging to a faithful God to walk us through the story He had written for us. It's been a great story thus far! There has been uncertainty at times. But it's been full of joy and surprises that we never could have imagined on our own so many years ago. So today I'm extra thankful. I'm thankful for God's design of marriage. I'm thankful for God's constant and faithful work in our own marriage.  I'm thankful for a man that loves me. 

A man that makes me laugh alot. 

A man that takes fatherhood seriously.

And a man that I'm confident will still be here, right next to me, in another 13 years.

And I'm so thankful for God's good plans and the story he continues to write for us.

On homeschooling and sacrifice...

We are very close to finishing up our second year of homeschooling. This year has been....different than last. That may be the phrase I use after each year. I'm not sure why I thought that since Kinder/Pre-K went so peaceful and smooth that every year after would follow the same...but I sort of did. It's been much more of a challenge for many different reasons. Abe no longer has that morning nap which means afternoon would make the most sense to complete school. But I have a boy that really does not do school work well in the afternoons. He's tired. He becomes cranky. And it's very hard for him to focus, think and work during the afternoons. We've had some stronger personality conflicts this year. I'm not sure if that's the best way to word it, but I'll leave it at that. We enrolled Holden in a class to give us a break from one another. He just goes 2 morning a week. I thought it might be helpful. The break was helpful. The school situation, not so much. And for another slew of reasons I realized this type of class was not the answer for us at this time. He has three more weeks of class. And even though grocery shopping and errand running will be more challenging this summer I am SO ready for this class to be over. And he is too.
So we said that we would take homeschooling one year at a time and evaluate as time goes. With these struggles, some might assume that it's time to throw in the towel and enroll them in a traditional school. Some have even advised me in that direction. But that's not the route we are taking. Honestly I don't know what our year will look like next year. I don't know what curriculum we will use. I don't know what time of the day we will do schoolwork. I don't know if anyone will be enrolled in anything extra...though I plan to look into some PE programs. I don't know if my house will ever get organized and clean again. :) But I know my boys are going to be home for another year. When we ventured into homeschooling I can't claim that God clearly told us to do this. It was not a huge matter of prayer...just as most people don't make it a huge matter of prayer before they enroll their children in traditional school. It's just the next step in our culture and so people move forward. We had just always felt a pull towards homeschooling. Now after two years, I sense this being more than just a preference for us. Especially me. It's my days that are really affected by our decision. What I realized a few months ago, when well meaning friends suggested I quit homeschooling, was that I don't feel released from the job. From the outside looking in it might make sense to quit. It's hard. There is clearly an easier alternative. Take that alternate route! But at this point, God wants us here. God has asked us to be obedient in this. I don't know if it's for my growth and maturity or for my kids any more. But it's more than a pull and preference at this point. It's a step of obedience. And not everyone is going to get it. And not everyone wants to get it. Most seem to have an opinion about homeschooling. Even if they try their hardest not to express that opinion, I can sense it. But I don't answer to everyone else. And ironically, I have no opinion on the direction someone else takes for educating their child. Even if you "unschool". I don't care. Have fun with it. For God's glory, play all day. :) In my favorite devotional of all time (Ann Voskamp's One Thousand Gifts Devotional) I read a couple of months ago "A sacrifice of thanks lays down our perspective and raises hands in praise anyways - always. A sacrifice is, by definition, not an easy thing - but it is a sacred thing." Homeschooling is a sacrifice. It's one of my sacrifices. God uses different people, in different ways, touching different lives for His good purposes. Currently, my main place is home. A new friend reminded me of this scripture about a month ago.

Keep your eyes straight ahead; ignore all sideshow distractions.
Watch your step, and the road will stretch out smooth before you.
Look neither right nor left; leave evil in the dust. Proverbs 4:26-27

I feel like in the world of homeschooling it is tempting to look around and compare your child to those in traditional school...and either feel prideful of where your child stands. Or to feel anxious if they are "behind". Pride and anxiety. Both sins of the heart. So this girl full of wisdom reminded me, "don't look to the right or the left". A lot of pressure is removed when we walk in the steps God has directed us in and leave the outcome to Him. So yes, we are few weeks off from enjoying our summer. At the end of the month we will be taking off for a family beach trip and kicking off our summer early...homeschool style.

Easter Weekend.

My family had a fun and meaningful Easter weekend. I love how much more the boys understand with each passing year. Leading up to Easter, we used Resurrection Eggs for the boys nighttime devotionals. It was only our second year to use them and it is something they really enjoy and look forward to each evening before bed. We started off Good Friday with an evening service at church. The boys actually played in childcare during this time. I think next year, we'll take them into the service with us. On Saturday morning they participated in an Easter Egg Hunt at their MDO school. It was complete with bounce houses and a few hours of fun. They love this kind of stuff and had a ball.

 Pax sometimes thinks he's in charge of Abe. Can you tell in the above picture? :)

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On an egg hunting mission!

When did this boy get so big? We are 10 days away from celebrating his 6th birthday. Time, PLEASE SLOW DOWN!

And this little guy just can't make it without his morning nap. He can be such a snuggle bug pre and post sleeptime. We soak it up!

Saturday afternoon, while Abe napped, we dyed Easter eggs. Then I whipped up some lime flavored, green playdough for the boys to play with. It was so much better than store bought playdough and was so simple to make. I had never attempted it before this weekend. The recipe is here. Thank you, Pinterest.

 

Sunday morning the boys woke to filled Easter baskets. Summer flip flops, card games, a small chocolate bunny, Ninja Turtle stamps, and sunglasses for our big boys. Flip flops, pacis, a book and new sippy cup for our baby. That morning we celebrated with our church. After church and lunch we took about 25 pictures with our camera set up on the tripod to get the one below. Mister Abe obviously knows what to do when a camera is in his face. And I've probably taken less pictures of him than the other two. In all 25+ pictures, he wins the award for biggest cheeser. I love it!

After the boys had naps, my parents joined us for egg hunting and dinner. 

It is so rare that I catch a genuine smile from Pax with a camera. He is a happy, smiley boy. But when the cameras come out, he turns into a fake smiler. But occasionally we can catch a good one. He doesn't make it easy, by any means.

And this is our Mister Photogenic. 

 Ha! See what I mean?!

 He was perfectly content with 3 little eggs. Then he just enjoyed playing outside.

It was a fun family weekend. And more importantly, a celebration of the grace and forgiveness we live in each day because of the sacrifice of Jesus.

the perfect mom.

A friend reminded me this week that there is no perfect mom. No perfect children. No perfect family. I hope I never paint a false picture here on the blog. Believe me when I say this...I don't have my act together. I have two main purposes for this blog. One is to show my kids their lives and our family in writing and photographs. And we regularly sit together with a computer in our lap and I read them stories of the past 5 years that I've documented here. The other is to be a place that their sweet birth mothers can stop in anytime when they want to see that face that they love so much. And they can catch up on our family events. I originally created this space for those ladies. We don't use facebook or any other social media. But the blog is one that I don't want to give up. I love it for our family. But I think our birth mothers appreciate it also. That being said, I never want to use this space as a way to document the not so fun parts of family life. I mean, I think I've hinted around enough here that my job has been hard at times. I sure did document the great flushing of the rubber ducky, which was a terrible day when it happened. But I read it now and laugh my head off. And we tell Holden what a little stinker he was when he was 2 and 3 and 4. :) And the time I tried to take two babies shopping at Hobby Lobby for home decor. That catastrophic event made it here. But I just never want to focus on the discipline and correction that takes place daily. This is our space to celebrate and focus on the wonderful parts of raising our boys and being a family.

So I don't have it all together. If you've spent any time around my family, you already know this to be true. In fact, you might get in your car after seeing us and think, "Whoa. That was chaotic. And loud." I'm normally late everywhere I go. I lose my temper with my sweet boys. I forget to respond to texts and emails. I forget my purse and end up at the grocery store parking lot with no money. Jeans and a hoodie make me feel dressed up on most days. I can come up with a great discipline measure 5 hours too late when I've had more time to process. But sometimes I'm not great in the moment that I need to be. I can't seem to simultaneously be a good, listening friend and a good intentional mom in the same moment. Someone is going to lose there. And since mom is my constant role and time with friends is rare, my kids are the losers in those moments. Though they might feel like the winners because I let some things slide. Call me inconsistent. I call it picking my battles. I think that I'm okay with that. I think...but I have those insecure moments. They rise up when I see a mom that's doing it all and doing it really well. And later as I process, I think, I suck. But then a dear friend reminds me that I don't. That I'm a good mommy, despite my mistakes or not following the strategies of the latest parenting book. She reminds me that I have a very limited view of the world around me. All I can really do is be present in my family. I can love my boys well...and I'm 100% certain that is consistent in our home. I can turn off my imagination that leads me to believe that other's lives are perfect and joyous all the time...even if it appears that way from the outside looking in. And I can pray my guts out that for another day God will fill me with his fruits: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness and self-control. That has been my prayer for several years before my feet ever hit the floor. And when I screw up, because by now I know that's inevitable, His grace will wash me clean again. Again and again. In the end, those are the things that will matter. That I tried, goofed up, repented and pressed on towards Him and the great task He has given me. Far from perfect over here but walking in a whole lot of grace. I'm thankful for that.

Happy Adoption Day, Sweet Abe!

Eight months ago today, we met our sweet baby boy. And this morning we had the privilege to stand before a judge and finalize his adoption. I've explained this before with the other boys, but it was eight months ago that he became our son and we immediately fell in love. Today it just became legal and official that we are his forever family. My dad and I were just talking tonight...we've heard two pastors explain a little detail in adoption when emphasizing the power of our adoption by our Heavenly Father. I thought I'd explain because it's just a really cool thought. A parent can disown their biological child. But a parent can not legally disown their adopted child. That is cool because of the spiritual parallel and that we can never be cut apart from God once we have accepted Christ as forgiveness for our sins, chosen to follow God and have become a child of His. But this fact is also cool from our end as an adoptive family...there is strength and commitment in our family bond and legally it can not be bent. I love this.
Last night we drove to Oklahoma City with my parents. All seven of us in our minivan. It was tight. We got to bed late at a hotel and woke early this morning (I was the first up in our room at 6am) to get ready for our Adoption Day in court. After our hearing, we had lunch as a family and then headed to a friend's house to have a little celebration. You may remember I had two sweet friends that housed Abe and I for a good portion of our stay in Oklahoma. Well, Daysha opened her home once again for our little party. She even got balloons! :) And Andrea and Abigail came and celebrated with us. Two sweet friends that have stuck close after leaving Oklahoma City over four years ago. I'm very thankful for friends that stick. So we partied it up with Abe and celebrated another miracle in our lives. Abe Malachi, you are our blessing. You are such a sweet and fun part to our family. All four of us are crazy about you for so many reasons. God has blessed us with the addition of YOU, my son. I pray that you grow up to truly comprehend the way God used you to increase our prayers, increase our faith and have our hearts spilling over with love and thankfulness. What a privilege it is to be your mommy, forever!
Excuse the massive amounts of pictures. My dad took a ton. I loved them all and I'm sharing many of them. Probably too many of them.

 

 

Killing time and having a little freedom while we were waiting our turn to go into the courtroom.

 Nana with the proud big brothers.

 

Family of five!

Hooray!

 

Sweet open mouthed kisses.

 

 

 

 

Lunch at one of our favorite Oklahoma chains...City Bites!

 

 

Cheeser.

 

 

It's a tradition. He had to wear the shirt.

The cookie cake said: "Happy Adoption Day Abe!" I forgot and sliced it before taking a picture. Oops.

 

 Sweet little friends.

 I was SO excited to give him his sock monkey. It's our adoption gift tradition. I've been holding onto it for several weeks. Holden got the original brown one on his Adoption Day when he was 6 months old. Holden and his monkey, who is named "Monkey" are inseparable. In fact, he had to be replaced because his original was so worn out. See here. Pax has a blue one, who is named "Blueberry". But he has no great attachment to it...or any stuffed animal friends. And Abe has picked up Holden's monkey several times in the last few months, checked it out, put it in his mouth, etc...when this would happen, Holden would quickly and kindly take the monkey away and move it to higher ground where baby brother couldn't reach it. :)

I have a feeling Abe is going to love his little yellow monkey. He is sleeping with it now, with a little encouragement from me. :)

 Our little boy finally wiped out from the festivities. I'm glad Papa J got in for a picture. He was doing all the picture taking today.

Daysha and I. I didn't think to get a picture with my friends until Andrea had already left.

It was a special day of celebration for our little Abester!