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Saturday, January 24, 2009

Talking about adoption

Tonight we went to dinner with a group of friends. Our waitress was a young African-American girl. And she was smitten with our Holden, as most people are. :) She had some different questions. At this point, I never really know what to expect from people. And it seems that oftentimes I am caught off guard by the comments and questions. But I like to think that I hide my surprise better these days. So she asked if Holden was ours. She was bold and asked if I couldn’t have children. I just tried to answer her questions honestly, wondering what question might be around the corner. Sometimes I dread how these conversations will take place when Holden understands more. To be honest, I don’t even like to think about it. Because I’m just not sure that people will be any more sensitive with the topic than they are now. I am starting to realize that some people have no tact. And lucky me, I get to come face to face to face with them on a regular basis. But to set the record straight, our waitress was a very sweet girl and very accepting of our family. The lady I met later didn’t seem to be quite as accepting. As Jeremy went to get the car in the cold weather, Holden and I waited by the door. The other lady also worked at the restaurant and she was probably around the age of 50, also African-American. Our waitress was sharing our story with her from a distance, but I could hear everything she said – “they adopted him and brought him home when he was 1 week old”. Both ladies came over to us and we discussed hair products for Holden. And I was instructed NOT to cut his hair before 1 year or it would stunt his hair growth. Honestly, I think this is a fable. Just think about it. It just doesn’t make sense! Anyways, that is here nor there and has nothing to do with the story. My mind has not yet gotten over how the middle-aged woman mumbled “Sometimes I want to kick those young mothers,” as she is swinging her leg pretending to kick. The young waitress kept talking to me and so I never really spoke to that woman. And so I’ve been reflecting on it. I know sometimes people don’t like to see a transracial family like ours. And I more often get this feeling from African-Americans. It’s such a mixed bag. I mean, sometimes people are thrilled for us. And other times I get a strong hunch that they do not like what they see. And maybe it’s a fear in them that Holden will lose his identity and possibly like country music. (just a little humor!) I kind of understand where they are coming from, but I will probably never completely get it. A very tiny portion of my brain contemplates, maybe in an ideal world black families would adopt black children, white families would adopt white children, Hispanic families would adopt Hispanic children, Asian families would adopt Asian children and so on. That way every family looks the same. But to be completely honest, I don't think that way at all. And I also want to say to that – how boring! My heart and head agree that in an ideal world we would quit staring at color! Why so much division! Welcome to 2009! I am getting very much off subject. I want to go back to this lady’s words. It was like she was angry with birth moms that place for adoption. I think that some people see it as a lazy choice or irresponsible decision; while those on the inside of adoption know it to be completely the opposite. The choice to place for adoption is so far from selfish. I have not carried a baby in my womb for 9 months and then given birth. But most mothers have done this. And most mothers could easily admit how difficult it would be to place that baby in someone else’s arms and leave the hospital empty handed. No matter your situation. That is a selfless decision. Perhaps the easy decision for them would be to take that baby home and give it their best shot at parenting. Then they could avoid heartache and mourning of the loss of a child. But some birth mothers, like Holden’s, want more for that little life. Not more money. Nothing like that. But they want a dedicated father. A 2 parent home. A stable environment and roof over their baby’s head. These women are heroic and shouldn’t be kicked at. Why doesn't everyone else see it?

10 comments:

Jess said...

I truly believe that God shapes our families into what they are meant to be with the people that are meant to be there. And it can be done in so many ways. You are so blessed! I'm sorry you have to deal with those types of comments, though.

Life In Mazes said...

I am sorry you are having to face such unaccepting attitudes. I for one am happy you and your husband did not choose the easy road either and Holden will agree with me when he is older! Sending unconditional love to you today!

everyday graces said...

Giving up a baby for adoption is one of the most unselfish things a mother can do. And I know my mom is thankful that her birth mother decided to have her and give her up versus the alternative. God knew what he was doing when he gave you Holden and I know he'll give you the grace to deal with the ignorance of this world. ((hugs))

Melodie said...

just to clarify, since i completely rambled on and on throughout that post . . . i'm not bothered much if certain individuals aren't as accepting of my family. i feel you can't really argue what God has created and put together. but i am bothered that birth mothers are given this negative stigma, when their decision was truly amazing and selfless. that's it. i'm done with my rant. :)

Kelly said...

Hi Melodie! Thanks for this post--its something we've been thinking a lot about as we approach adoption. Friends we know adopted an African American baby (he's a teenager now) and they often get asked the question about him losing his identity from the AA community. They often tell people that his primary identity is in Christ, a part of the kingdom of God before any other 'identity'. That's comforting to me because ultimately, regardless of the color my children are, I desire for them to find their true identity in Christ, not culture. Praying for you!

Molly said...

Oh! I hear you friend! I too get frustrated at the negativity that birth families are given. And sadly enough, some people just don't ever think about if the child understands what they are asking, as we still get these questions in front of Owen!

I love the comment before that we need to focus our children on Christ first as an identity...then from there we work in their heritage from there.

Love you and so glad that we can walk through this together. And maybe even our kids can get married??? Maybe....maybe Blake will let her date, he hasn't decided yet!

Katie said...

I'm sorry you had to deal with this. You get different responses. I really think it is a class issue. The african americans we come across with Lauren have been awesome. The ones from our church or neighborhood. Now If I go into a ruffer part of time I will get more blunt questions or comments. I always answer truthful and try and wittness our christian faith. Sometimes it is best to answer and then kind of distance yourself if you can tell how the topic is heading. You don't need to be around negative feelings that bring insecurity to you. You are doing a awesome thing and your all blessed through it. Take Care <><

kh123 said...

I just think about our kids birth mom and how irresponsible she was in keeping the boys until CPS had to step in causing so much heartache and instability (Praise the Lord God is so good and overcomes it all!).

People are idiots.

Amanda said...

Yes, Yes, a thousand times Yes. Sometimes the things people say make it perfectly clear that they think your family is somehow not the way it is supposed to be. And I guess, if you don't know Christ, that is a relatively normal assumption. But, when you do know him, those comments seem crazy because you just know that he has has been at work so that your sweet family could be exactly what it is.

I love that people are finally opening their eyes and adopting babies that look different from them. God is doing a new, shaping kind of work among his people and I think everyone can either get on board or miss the amazing blessing of it all. All aboard?

The Myers said...

So sorry to hear how inconsiderate people can be. We all know how grateful you are to sweet little Holden's birthmom. Not to mention what a blessing he is and how it is all part of the Lord's plan for your family. Love y'all.