What do you fear?

In church this morning, our pastor asked this question today. I think because I am sort of in a good and comfy season of my life, my mind didn't think of the present. It immediately shot back to what I have feared at other times in my life. Those things I've already lived through and have come out on the other side.

At 15, I probably feared losing popularity. There you go. I said it. Lame and superficial. If I'm being completely honest, in many ways that was me at age 15. So, God showed me a life outside of that inner circle. He moved my family. I transferred to a huge high school at the beginning of my Junior year. No one knew me. And that is pretty much how I felt the day I graduated, 2 years later. To this day, I don't keep in touch with a single person from my graduating class. It probably doesn't help that I'm not on FaceBook. My parents have since moved from that place. So honestly, I have no connection to that time. But those 2 years had such a positive impact on my life and who I am today. It was a time of huge spiritual growth and such a sweet and deeper connection with my Jesus. I experienced his love like never before. His relationship became more of a friendship because that is exactly what I needed at that time.

At 22, during Jeremy and I's 6 month engagement, I feared he was going to die before we married. I know that sounds morbid and crazy. But we were making 6 hour drives back and forth to visit one another. I was so fearful when he was on the road to come for a visit or when he was returning back to school. I remember crying about it to my mom while I lived at home. It was this crazy fear that I constantly had to hand back over to God.

I know with certainty, my 27 year old self feared not having biological children and experiencing pregnancy. If you're close to me at all, then you already know the transformation God has done on my heart in that area. And I'm pretty certain, I would be the worst pregnant girl ever. ;)

So all of these thoughts came to mind as I pondered the question this morning. Then I forced myself to think about the present. Today. What is my fear now? It all boils down to my little boys. I think about this more often than I'd like to admit. But one of my greatest fears is that I'm going to have to sit and watch my child(ren) go through a rebellious time. I've watched too many Christian families struggle with rebellious teenagers. So in my heart, I know it's out of my control. I can seek God in my parenting and attempt to do everything right and I still may have to face my fear. And to take that a little further . . . I struggle with wanting my child to truly know grace. I want them to have a deep understanding of the forgiveness of Christ and the sinfulness of ALL men. For most of my life, I walked the straight and narrow because that's what a good, Christian girl should do. I had a few small adventures off the path, but for the most part, I played it safe and tried to make God and my parents proud. I'm grateful for my testimony and how God made it, even as simple as it is. But it's been a harder struggle for me to fully know and understand grace. And even more of a struggle for me to see my ugly, sinful self for what it really is outside of Christ. Ugly and sinful! So it seems peaceful and easy to think that I would prefer my boys to walk that same straight and narrow path. The one I've been very familiar with. I want them to be good, Jesus-loving boys. But I want them to understand the grace and forgiveness of Christ alot better than I did. I want them to grasp the depth of it alot sooner than I did. And I also have to realize that sometimes people travel a different road to bring them to that point. But once they get there, it's completely amazing. Those are some of the thoughts that run through my crazy head quite regularly.

For God has not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind. 2 Timothy 1:7

Recent Reads

Early this year, I said to myself: Self, you need to make more time for reading. And you don't have to waste your time finishing a book if you aren't feelin' it. I've always forced myself to finish books. I could never just stop in the middle, even if I wasn't enjoying it. I felt like I had to finish what I had started. Well, these days I don't have time for that nonsense. So if 30ish pages in, I'm not into it, I get rid of it and move on to the next. That's the way I roll these days. So from now on, when I post any of my reads, know that they're good ones (in my opinion). If they weren't, I wouldn't have even made it to the halfway point. So some recent books I've read:This one was so great! It was a big one. I had my nose in it for months. Thought provoking, encouraging and convicting. I highly recommend it. It completely transformed some of my thoughts and feelings on prayer. Back when I made the purchase, it was a free download. So it cost me nothing. I only wish now that I had the hard copy. It's one of those that you would want to read, with a highlighter in hand, to refer back to things later. I'm sure I will be re-reading this one in the future. I think it would make for a great book club or group study.
Lauren told me how great this one was and loaned me her copy. I finished it in 2 or 3 days. Easy and interesting read. It reminded me alot of 90 minutes in Heaven, which I read several years ago.
This one I completed with a summer book club. It's probably my least favorite on this list. And to be honest, I still haven't finished the last chapter because I missed our last book club meeting. So I need to finish it up. It had some great ideas and great thoughts for motherhood and parenting. It just seemed a little . . . extreme. Like: Make sure you read classic stories to your kids. Make sure they can play an instrument. Make sure they have hobbies. Make sure they appreciate beautiful artwork. Here's how to organize your house. Okay, it wasn't worded so bluntly, but that's how it came across to me. It seemed to be heavily geared towards raising well-rounded, educated children than pointing them towards Jesus. They weren't bad ideas, just not the most important, in my opinion. But it did give me some good ideas in the area of family and raising my kiddos. And I've heard plenty of other mommas rave about this author and book. I just didn't love it. All that to say, you might have a completely different opinion.
I'm about 3/4 of my way through this one. It's so good! It will probably go on my list of all time faves. I'm determined to finish the book before we see the movie. And since we are typically Redboxers, that should be no problem at all. I should be finished with this one by the end of the weekend.
And some fun new books I recently added to the boys collection:
I got this one thinking Pax might need it before starting "school". I use that term loosely. It's really just 1 day a week of a Mother's Day Out program. I thought this little story would help Pax say goodbye to me every Thursday morning. But Pax didn't shed a single tear when I dropped him off last week. Oh well. Maybe it wasn't needed afterall. It's still a really cute book!
And this one is so sweet! I love that there is such a great selection of children's books that include adoption. I read it to both of the boys tonight before bedtime. They are my definitely my wish come true! :)

I need to finish The Help and then I have 3 more books piling up my nightstand that are just waiting to be read! I'm sure I'll be sharing those with you at a later date.

OKC trip

Some time last month, we made a little weekend trip to OKC. Things went a little crazy over here and I never got around to posting about that weekend. Even though we were there 2 full days, it flew by so fast and we missed seeing many faces that we would have loved to have seen. We did get to see a few friends and also spend an evening with Pax's birthmom, M and her family.
On Friday morning, we finally got to meet baby Denton and spend some time with his family. Holden had a good time with his very first friend, Lyndon. They got to play outside in the water and on the swingset all morning long. And then they stopped for a bite to eat.
And then all 4 boys posed for a picture. Pax, Denton, Lyndon and Holden.
I had to steal those 2 pictures from Daysha because I had forgotten to bring my camera to their house.
Friday night we headed to M's house for an early birthday party for Pax and just to visit. It had been a while since we had seen them all. I'm sure Pax had changed and grown alot between visits. I've said it before, but we love this family. And time spent with them is always so natural. Never an awkward moment. Never any nervous jitters. We've only known them 2 years and our visits are more sporadic since our move to Texas, but we feel really blessed to have them in our lives. They love Pax. But what is really special, is they love Holden too. Friday evening we went to their home and had an early birthday party for Pax.
You don't know how many times I look at his face and can see her through him.
Holden felt under the weather that night. This family has been around Holden enough to know that something was not right with him. He didn't touch his pizza, turned down a cupcake. And then he sat in my lap for the rest of the evening. He was better by the next morning. Holden even had a present with his name of it.
That weekend, we stayed at our friend's house, Kevin and Andrea. I didn't pull out my camera AT ALL, except while we were at the Children's Museum. It was our first trip to the OKC Children's Museum. Our pass here, enabled us to get in free at OKC. Very cool! And the museum at OKC is much cooler than the one here. Here are a few pictures from our fun morning.
Pax being a little scientist. :)
And driving a tractor.
And then riding on a Segway. Holden took a ride too but his picture didn't turn out.
Pax and Abigail had fun with the bubbles.
And Abigail really had fun bathing in them. :)Holden was just a bit harder to catch with my camera. Though my camera didn't make it out of my suitcase much at all during the weekend, we had a wonderful time seeing some old friends. The next time, we might need to plan a longer visit so we have the time to see everyone.

2 School Boys!

Today my little studs went to school. Jeremy went in late to work so he could come along and see the new school. For whatever crazy reason, I had a lump in my throat the entire drive there. Something about dropping off both of my little boys at a school for 5 whole hours . . . it just seemed odd! I had to keep reminding myself of the reasons we chose to do this. It confirmed once again why I'm only doing a 1 day program. Honestly, that is ALL I want. That's ALL I can handle. I enjoy my time with these 2 boys and I'm not ready to let them go just yet. :)
It was Pax's first time to ever participate and I was a little worried he might cry at the drop off. I talked it up and he told me he wouldn't cry. You know that drive when I had the lump in my throat and I felt like I was going to cry? Well, I was trying to talk to my 2-year old about being a big boy and I was on the verge of tears. That pep talk I was giving may have been just as much for myself. :) But Pax walked right into his classroom and began playing. I snuck a quick kiss goodbye and left. It was easy. His teachers said he did well all day until naptime. Then he began missing mommy. I did forget a stuffed animal and his paci, which would normally help him sleep. Pax ran to greet me when I arrived at the door. I'm so proud of my big 2-year old!
Holden was also given a good report. But he also failed at naptime today. I know they will both catch on to the schedule within a few weeks. I'm not complaining since they are both sleeping right now, as I waste a little time here. But I have to share a little brag story on Holden. At "Meet the Teacher" last week, there was a little boy that was having a really hard time. So yesterday I began talking to Holden about this boy, N, and explaining that N might be sad. I explained that he might miss his mommy and daddy and cry when they leave. I also explained that it would be nice that if he cries, he could approach him and say, "N, would you like to play cars with me?" So we arrived at Holden's classroom and we see N. His mom is trying to leave and N is having a really, really hard time and won't let go of her. My Holden would have normally waved me goodbye and run for the toys to begin playing. But today, he cautiously approached N and his mommy and stood watching, patiently. I watched Holden, as he stood close by with his hands folded behind his back, watching his new friend cling to his mommy and cry. His face was full of concern for this boy. I walked over to kiss Holden goodbye and gave him one last reminder to play with N. I walked out of the church and the tears started coming. My ball of energy, rough and tumble, 3-year old boy had genuine concern for his new friend. I saw compassion, care and kindness in my little boy. That's the big stuff people! Those are the important things that I want to instill in my children at an early age. His heart is golden. He's wild and crazy. And sometimes mean to his little brother. But he's learning and growing. And that's what matters to me most right now.
To this day, I can't allow myself to drift off to sleep at night without pouring out my thankful heart to God in what he's done for me. I love these boys more than I ever knew was possible. So each night, when the house is quiet, I realize the fullness of my heart because of the perfection of God's plan. So thankful.

interview with Pax

The night that Jeremy and I took Pax to the aquarium, I decided to interview Pax in the car. Ummmm, it was not as productive as I was hoping. But because he is silly and full of personality, I decided to share it anyway. His main concern in the car was "Where's bubba? Where's Honen?" But I tried to continue poking around for a few answers.

Me: What's your name?
Pax: E. Eat (this is what he named my old Cabbage Patch Doll that my mom gave to him.)
Me: no
Pax: Honen
Me: no
Pax: Paxton
Me: How old are you?
Pax: 5
Me: no
Pax: 4
Me: no
Pax: 6
Me: no
Pax: (through lots of giggling) 5
Me: no
Pax: (laughing harder now) 7
(I decide to go ahead and skip this one, knowing he is going to list every number he knows, EXCEPT 2.)
Me: What is your favorite food?
Pax: apple (not true, but this was his answer)
Me: What is your favorite drink?
Pax: water (also not true, but whatever)

And then I attempted some other questions, but honestly he was done with our game and had no interest in continuing. Interview adjourned.

true love

The big brother sharing his icecream with the little brother, who is not supposed to crawl all over the table. For Holden to share his icecream, it HAS to be love.

Pax @ age 2

How can I possibly describe who this boy is in a single post! He is pure sweetness! And I am head over heals in love with his little personality. He loves to be held, carried and cuddled. He hasn't crossed the threshold to that independent stage yet. So he is often found sitting in my lap as we read book after book after book. He is the definition of a true bookworm. I think if we removed all toys from our home, he would live perfectly content as long as he had his books. He already has many of his books memorized and will say them with me as I read. Because honestly we read several books every single day. He also loves to sit and work puzzles now and he is very good at them. He is also in love with watching television. Mickey Mouse Club has recently become his favorite. Followed closely by Dora and Sesame Street. While his big brother would prefer to run circles around the house and stay busy doing, Pax is more laid back. He is more content with quiet and calm activities. Not that he doesn't let his voice be heard. Just the other night in a restaurant with friends, he let out a scream that quietened the whole place. That scream was because he didn't get his way with something. We have those occasional moments right now. But honestly, with Pax, they are few and far between. He can go days without being disciplined, because for the most part, he goes with the flow.
Pax is speaking alot and communicating well with us. Today I heard Holden saying in a sing-song sort of way "Bubba, I need you!" Pax was coming up the stairs saying "Honen, what doin'?" I love that his Holden sounds like Honen. It's one of my favorite things he says. As my boys grow, I think the way they speak is one thing I'm going to miss. I love their cute, little language, as flawed as it is. I think it's just perfect! So far Pax can count to 8 and he surprised me this week by recognizing several of his numbers on his wooden blocks. About a week before his birthday we started talking about how he was going to be 2. He cutely wanted to argue with us and tell us, "no, 4." When I would tease and argue back that he was only going to be 2, the number went to 5, then 6, then 7, then 8, then back to 4. He cackled so hard at our little joke. And we're still playing that game today. He will not admit to anyone that he is 2. He has decided that he is any number BUT 2. One of his other favorite games right now is pretending to fall asleep at random places. See for yourself. He's become a master at the game of pretend. :)Pax loves to sing. His favorite songs are the ABCs, Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, The Wheels on the Bus and Happy Birthday.

Pax is great sleeper, getting at least 12hours at night. He goes down by 7:30pm and normally wakes between 7:30-8:30am the next morning. It's not completely unusual for him to sleep in close to 9am. He likes his sleep and always wakes with a smile on his face and asking about each family members whereabouts. He goes down for a nap around 1pm and wakes around 3pm. Sometimes he naps longer, but 2 hours is pretty consistent for him. He sleeps with a million little stuffed animals in his bed. And it changes every few weeks which one he is the most attached to.
Pax loves his paci and uses it only for sleep. It never leaves his crib. We plan to take it away in the next 3 months, the same way we did with Holden. Fingers are crossed that Pax will handle it just as well as his big brother did. I'm not looking forward to it. I just have a feeling that it won't go as smoothly. Plus something in me keep saying, "he's just a baby!" :) Deep down I know that he's not, I just haven't full convinced myself of that yet. ;)
Pax loves to play on the swing set outside. He loves to sit and swing and climb and slide. He LOVES to climb. Period. We daily catch him scaling cabinets to turn on water in the sinks, just for sport. It's a sight to see. He's fast. He also loves to climb into his crib, but hasn't tried to climb out yet. Fingers are crossed that we don't have to face that challenge. He thinks he's big enough to ride the red tricycle, but his little legs can't reach the peddals yet. But he's not happy if you remove him from that seat. He wants to ride! He loves to spot airplanes and helicopters in the sky. He loves to see motorcyles out on the road. He loves to play with his wooden train set. He loves to listen to music and do a little dancing and clap his hands to the rhythm. He loves a few sports, like golf and t-ball. Those are 2 things he can play around with in our backyard and he's a pretty accurate aim. He loves to throw and catch balls and he's a great catcher. So far, he is our sporty boy and that is something we have NOT pushed with either of the boys. We just like to sit back and see where their interests naturally fall.Pax is a really great eater. I've mentioned that he kind of sticks to a South Beach type diet. He likes most meats (fish, chicken, ground beef, roast beef, pork chops), eggs, most veggies and fruits. Some of his favorites are steamed broccoli, carrots dipped in hummus, sugar snap peas, green peas, corn, lima beans, watermelon, strawberries, green apples, cantelope, peaches and bananas. He likes peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for lunch, or just plain chicken or turkey. He will avoid crackers, rice, pasta, coucous . . .the things that Holden would prefer to feast on. They are polar opposites in their dietary preferences. Pax would drink milk all day every day if we allowed it. We only give our boys 2 cups of milk a day and then the rest is plain water. No juice. No sweet stuff. They've never really been accustomed to having those things, so they're fine without it. And as a result, Holden LOVES water and asks for it often. Pax is getting better at his water intake, but would choose milk if we always gave the choice. As I've said before, he's not much of a sweets-eater. He would rather have some fruit as a sweet. Such a health nut, right?I do have to admit, that after the parasite, we dropped the ball on potty training. He had been doing pretty well with it. But alot fell on Jeremy's shoulders all at once and potty training was out the window. We lost our momentum during that weekend. And even though I tried to pick back up the following Monday when I was feeling better, he had sort of lost interest. I'm hoping that interest will return soon and we can be diaper free in this house for a while!
Pax is also known as Mister Manners around here. If he accidentally rolls a tonka truck over your foot, he apologizes over and over again until you respond by telling him you're okay. He is quick to say "tankoo mommy" or "tankoo daddy" when he is served in some way. He is sweet to his big brother, checking on him during a meltdown or when he's been hurt. And he is NORMALLY willing to share his toys with Holden. He always wants to kiss a boo-boo to make everything heal properly. :) Including the foot he rolled the truck over.
Yesterday at the doctor Pax had to get 1 vacination. He did the silent scream/cry for a good 10 seconds before he could breath and let any sound out. After I got him dressed and held him for a bit, he was still shaken, but much quieter. After the receptionist gave him a sucker, he was miraculously all better. He was just wearing a tear stained face on his way out. Yesterday Pax weighed in at 28.5lbs (57th %). He is 35.5inches (79th %). And his head circumference was 49.4cm (70th %). Sometimes we think Pax is a shorty because Holden is so tall for his age. But he's not a shorty at all. 79th%. Not short. He just has a big brother that we ought not compare him to.
That is our sweet little Pax at this moment in time. I know it's lengthy, but I wanted to document all that he is and does at the tender age of 2. We love him so and can't imagine our family without him filling the spot of baby. He's the baby for now.