What do you fear?

In church this morning, our pastor asked this question today. I think because I am sort of in a good and comfy season of my life, my mind didn't think of the present. It immediately shot back to what I have feared at other times in my life. Those things I've already lived through and have come out on the other side.

At 15, I probably feared losing popularity. There you go. I said it. Lame and superficial. If I'm being completely honest, in many ways that was me at age 15. So, God showed me a life outside of that inner circle. He moved my family. I transferred to a huge high school at the beginning of my Junior year. No one knew me. And that is pretty much how I felt the day I graduated, 2 years later. To this day, I don't keep in touch with a single person from my graduating class. It probably doesn't help that I'm not on FaceBook. My parents have since moved from that place. So honestly, I have no connection to that time. But those 2 years had such a positive impact on my life and who I am today. It was a time of huge spiritual growth and such a sweet and deeper connection with my Jesus. I experienced his love like never before. His relationship became more of a friendship because that is exactly what I needed at that time.

At 22, during Jeremy and I's 6 month engagement, I feared he was going to die before we married. I know that sounds morbid and crazy. But we were making 6 hour drives back and forth to visit one another. I was so fearful when he was on the road to come for a visit or when he was returning back to school. I remember crying about it to my mom while I lived at home. It was this crazy fear that I constantly had to hand back over to God.

I know with certainty, my 27 year old self feared not having biological children and experiencing pregnancy. If you're close to me at all, then you already know the transformation God has done on my heart in that area. And I'm pretty certain, I would be the worst pregnant girl ever. ;)

So all of these thoughts came to mind as I pondered the question this morning. Then I forced myself to think about the present. Today. What is my fear now? It all boils down to my little boys. I think about this more often than I'd like to admit. But one of my greatest fears is that I'm going to have to sit and watch my child(ren) go through a rebellious time. I've watched too many Christian families struggle with rebellious teenagers. So in my heart, I know it's out of my control. I can seek God in my parenting and attempt to do everything right and I still may have to face my fear. And to take that a little further . . . I struggle with wanting my child to truly know grace. I want them to have a deep understanding of the forgiveness of Christ and the sinfulness of ALL men. For most of my life, I walked the straight and narrow because that's what a good, Christian girl should do. I had a few small adventures off the path, but for the most part, I played it safe and tried to make God and my parents proud. I'm grateful for my testimony and how God made it, even as simple as it is. But it's been a harder struggle for me to fully know and understand grace. And even more of a struggle for me to see my ugly, sinful self for what it really is outside of Christ. Ugly and sinful! So it seems peaceful and easy to think that I would prefer my boys to walk that same straight and narrow path. The one I've been very familiar with. I want them to be good, Jesus-loving boys. But I want them to understand the grace and forgiveness of Christ alot better than I did. I want them to grasp the depth of it alot sooner than I did. And I also have to realize that sometimes people travel a different road to bring them to that point. But once they get there, it's completely amazing. Those are some of the thoughts that run through my crazy head quite regularly.

For God has not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind. 2 Timothy 1:7