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Thursday, April 3, 2008

Just some thoughts

Just recently a thought came into my head that hasn’t been there in a while. I was thinking how it might have been fun to be pregnant last year and walk through pregnancy with a certain friend. A special someone that was enjoying the same experience. Well, I can’t say “enjoying” because if I remember correctly, she vomited at least twice a day until her 3rd trimester. Jeremy, I, she and her husband went out for steaks one night when she was feeling better. She didn’t make it out of the parking lot after enjoying a delicious dinner. She opened the truck door and planted that meal in the gravel. Poor girl! But when that thought came into my head . . . just about how that would have been fun to go through it all together, I quickly realized that I wouldn’t be here, at this place right now. And this is truly where I want to be!! I wouldn’t be waiting with anticipation for that infamous phone call where we are told that we have been chosen. And then with that thought, there came another one . . . as quickly as we get that anticipated phone call, that moment will be gone forever at the same hurried speed. That initial moment of pure excitement and delight will be over . . . not to be relived with this child. Oh does this even make sense to anyone else? Maybe it could be compared to seeing the positive pregnancy test or hearing your baby’s heartbeat for the first time. Perhaps, a moment and a feeling deep inside that you wish you could bottle up and hold onto forever. Those moments that put a lump in your throat that you can’t swallow away. We’re not there yet – to that moment. We’re in the wait. But there is something very special about this wait. Maybe just the spontaneity of knowing I could be a mother tomorrow. Or knowing that our baby is (most likely) growing and thriving in some brave woman’s womb right now! I just want to absorb it all and breathe it all in . . . the hope and eagerness of what is to come. The waiting isn’t necessarily fun and my desire for our baby grows stronger each day. But I fear that in trying to rush the wait, those dear moments might possibly slip through my fingers and I might miss something terribly important. And now I’ve got that lump in my throat that I can’t seem to swallow away.

7 comments:

The Curtis Family said...

I believe I know that very girl you are talking about!

the thorntons said...

I love how you put that feeling into words! I can't imagine the anticipation you must feel every time the phone rings. I think I have a lump in my throat now!

Amanda said...

Yes, yes, yes! This is beautiful! There is so much for you in the wait and your little one will be blessed by what you are learning right now. I love you!

Shara said...

Yes, there is definitely something special about the wait! I can't wait for you to get that oh-so-precious moment!

Phyllis said...

I will remember the day forever when Danny looked at me after that long wait and said, "We have a boy!" Now you know your Uncle Danny and how he jokes so of course I didn't believe him. But after seeing the excitement on his face I knew it was true. Then the 24 hour wait before we could meet Britt started! I know pregnancy must be wonderful but so are the memories of adoption! Wow! I have that lump in my throat that I can't seem to swallow! I love you!

The Purkeys said...

Your confidence is challenging. You have challenged me to be more positive and trusting in difficult circumstances. My sister and her husband have been going through so many challenges with infertility. I gave her your website so that she could read about your journey. She wanted me to ask what agency you guys are going through? Know that I am praying for you and your future child. God bless!!

~The Neaves Nest~ said...

Just reading back on some of your old posts. Just wanted to thank you for posting your feelings. And you thought of not rushing the wait... Made my eyes teary. Thankful for you, friend!