remembering the miracle.

Today is a significant day in my memory. I've written about this the past 2 years. Here and here. It's a day that I always want to remember. It was this evening 3 years ago where I kind of lost hope in something God had promised us. I thought He told me our baby would arrive in April. So on this night when our nursery was prepared but still empty, I was on my knees with my face buried into a chair crying out to God in confusion. But more than anything deeply desiring to trust His plan but also wanting a little glimpse of what it was. So as I cried my little eyes out, my little boy was on his way into this world. As I was crushed and devastated that we were still waiting for a child, my son was preparing to make his entrance! Holden was born May 1st, a few days late of his original due date. He is one of our miracles! I love that God's fingerprints are all over his story. And I love sharing bits and pieces with him.

On Thursday Holden and I were talking about his birthday. And I was explaining to him that before he was born mommy and daddy really wanted a baby. The more I shared, my eyes filled to the brim with tears. He became concerned about the tears, which was sweet. But then I was explaining that God gave us a "present" (trying to speak in 3 year old terms) and that present was baby Holden. I showed him pictures of when we first saw him and he was able to see a picture of Jeremy with a HUGE grin on his face as he looked at his son. I could see the delight in Holden as he began to understand how much we delighted in him. He later reminded me that I had cried earlier. Then he sweetly asked "Mommy, do you want a baby?" Okay, so maybe he didn't get it all. And if you're wondering, my answer to his question was, "NO! I mean, not right now." :)

It's been a good week of remembering. I've had some good conversations lately with a sweet friend that desires a baby herself. It's humbling for me to look back and remember the pain. I have a journal full of those thoughts and feelings. And I'll say it a million times, but I'm grateful for infertility. I'm grateful God brought us down a different road. I'm grateful He has wound 4 hearts so tightly together that adoption versus biological mean nothing to us all. And I wouldn't choose anything differently! I'm grateful that God has a perfect plan and sometimes for us to see it, we have to let go of what we think that plan should look like. And I'm grateful how God speaks to us even in the darkest times. And then He shows up, not a single day late, and slaps us with a beautiful miracle. Just as he had promised us months ago. Here is one of our beautiful miracles.
Tomorrow Holden will be 3 years old! We've spent the past 2 days celebrating and we have 1 more to go! Many more pictures and posts to come.