Adoption Update

Yesterday Jeremy and I spent an entire day in Oklahoma with our adoption agency. They had requested that we attend an Adoption Orientation. If I'm being completely honest, I thought it was going to be a waste of time for us. With this being our 3rd adoption, what could we really learn that is new. But goodness, it was such an amazing day getting to meet our agency staff face to face. And more importantly, getting to hear their hearts and their passion for adoption. You have to know that Jeremy and I can instantly connect with those that share this passion with us. So it was such a wonderful day. It was emotional at times, hearing other's stories and sharing parts of our own. But at random times, as I sat and listened, my eyes just welled with tears and often for different reasons. But a few of those moments were just because I knew right then that we were right where God had always planned to place us. We landed at Lilyfield by process of elimination. But Friday confirmed to us what a special agency this is and what wonderful and ethical work they do. And I'm so proud and so thrilled to be working with them through this adoption process. I looked at the clock around 2pm and cringed at the thought that we only had 1 hour left. I had been soaking up the stories, the information and the company that surrounded us. And honestly the time flew by too fast for my preference.
Jeremy and I stopped for dinner on our way back to Texas and had one of the greatest conversations that we've had in a long time. We were just processing the information outloud while reflecting back on our past experiences. So I'm going to share something that I've never shared with anyone except Jeremy. We were always open to an open adoption, even if we were timid at our first thought of it before we began adopting. But when Holden was placed with us, his sweet birth mother chose a closed adoption. She felt like that was easiest for her and we completely respect her decision. Though I will admit that I long for her to see his sweet face today, almost 5 years later. And I wish I could tell her in some way how she has blessed our lives. But because of his closed adoption, I never had this other person in our lives that shared that title of mother with me. It was just me. We just had K in pictures, though we talk about her often. So when Pax came along, again we were open to an open adoption. And his adoption has remained wide open, which we have loved. But very early on, there was this fear way down deep, that I couldn't even say outloud to Jeremy at the time. It was that Pax wouldn't ever feel as much MINE because M was a present birthmother in our lives. She was more than just a picture and part of his story. We had an actual relationship with her. So I had this fear that my connection to my two sons might feel differently and maybe even a little less with Pax. Man, that doesn't sound good does it? At some point, I did share these feelings and thoughts with Jeremy, while they were still very present. So yesterday, Jeremy shared a little of this for those that seemed timid of open adoption. Honestly, I had sort of forgotten about that time and that crazy fear. Jeremy also explained how there is no confusion with Pax on who is mommy is. And how he normally CLINGS to me at those visits. So as just the two of us sat at dinner last night, tears were streaming down my face as I sort of laughed at that fear that I had somehow forgotten even existed at one time. And Jeremy responded to me with, "Isn't it funny...{And then a big gulg. He was having trouble getting his words out too.} how God tells you you're wrong." And we sat misty-eyed at the work of the Lord and perhaps one that we had overlooked. I will never forget those words that came from his mouth. You see, the ironic part of my past fear now, is that God has given me the sweetest momma's boy you could ever know. He has woven our hearts so closely together in many ways. One of those unique ways was by giving us such similar personalities. In fact, because he is such a momma's boy, we work extra hard for Jeremy and Pax's relationship to be just as close. Because the boy just loves his mommy. And of course, I love him more than I ever knew was possible. Just as I love Holden. And you're probably thinking...of course you love your children equally. But that fear when we first brought Pax home was so real to me. I was scared to say it because it sounded so awful, but it was very real.  And look what God did with that fear. Pretty amazing, in my opinion.
So we can now mark Adoption Orientation off of our checklist! We should be an official waiting family by the end of this week. Our social worker here is still trying to tie up lose ends on our homestudy so that it meets both Oklahoma and Texas requirements. I actually didn't realize until Thursday that it was not yet completed. But I'm not worried or sweating it. I know that each of these details is all part of God's timing and His plan. We are now just one step closer. So we'll wait with joy and anticipation to see God's plan for our family revealed. And I hope my next Adoption Update is news of baby #3!