Talking about adoption

Tonight we went to dinner with a group of friends. Our waitress was a young African-American girl. And she was smitten with our Holden, as most people are. :) She had some different questions. At this point, I never really know what to expect from people. And it seems that oftentimes I am caught off guard by the comments and questions. But I like to think that I hide my surprise better these days. So she asked if Holden was ours. She was bold and asked if I couldn’t have children. I just tried to answer her questions honestly, wondering what question might be around the corner. Sometimes I dread how these conversations will take place when Holden understands more. To be honest, I don’t even like to think about it. Because I’m just not sure that people will be any more sensitive with the topic than they are now. I am starting to realize that some people have no tact. And lucky me, I get to come face to face to face with them on a regular basis. But to set the record straight, our waitress was a very sweet girl and very accepting of our family. The lady I met later didn’t seem to be quite as accepting. As Jeremy went to get the car in the cold weather, Holden and I waited by the door. The other lady also worked at the restaurant and she was probably around the age of 50, also African-American. Our waitress was sharing our story with her from a distance, but I could hear everything she said – “they adopted him and brought him home when he was 1 week old”. Both ladies came over to us and we discussed hair products for Holden. And I was instructed NOT to cut his hair before 1 year or it would stunt his hair growth. Honestly, I think this is a fable. Just think about it. It just doesn’t make sense! Anyways, that is here nor there and has nothing to do with the story. My mind has not yet gotten over how the middle-aged woman mumbled “Sometimes I want to kick those young mothers,” as she is swinging her leg pretending to kick. The young waitress kept talking to me and so I never really spoke to that woman. And so I’ve been reflecting on it. I know sometimes people don’t like to see a transracial family like ours. And I more often get this feeling from African-Americans. It’s such a mixed bag. I mean, sometimes people are thrilled for us. And other times I get a strong hunch that they do not like what they see. And maybe it’s a fear in them that Holden will lose his identity and possibly like country music. (just a little humor!) I kind of understand where they are coming from, but I will probably never completely get it. A very tiny portion of my brain contemplates, maybe in an ideal world black families would adopt black children, white families would adopt white children, Hispanic families would adopt Hispanic children, Asian families would adopt Asian children and so on. That way every family looks the same. But to be completely honest, I don't think that way at all. And I also want to say to that – how boring! My heart and head agree that in an ideal world we would quit staring at color! Why so much division! Welcome to 2009! I am getting very much off subject. I want to go back to this lady’s words. It was like she was angry with birth moms that place for adoption. I think that some people see it as a lazy choice or irresponsible decision; while those on the inside of adoption know it to be completely the opposite. The choice to place for adoption is so far from selfish. I have not carried a baby in my womb for 9 months and then given birth. But most mothers have done this. And most mothers could easily admit how difficult it would be to place that baby in someone else’s arms and leave the hospital empty handed. No matter your situation. That is a selfless decision. Perhaps the easy decision for them would be to take that baby home and give it their best shot at parenting. Then they could avoid heartache and mourning of the loss of a child. But some birth mothers, like Holden’s, want more for that little life. Not more money. Nothing like that. But they want a dedicated father. A 2 parent home. A stable environment and roof over their baby’s head. These women are heroic and shouldn’t be kicked at. Why doesn't everyone else see it?